Tuesday, July 16, 2002

We finally had to discontinue correspondence with our friend Kabongo Kabila. It just wasn't fun anymore. He wasn't making much sense. Observe this message:
Mr Scott Patterson :
thanks for your mail, please i want us to exterblish a contarct befor i give you Mr Jacks e mail, i have to sent you a document regarding the fund that is certificat of deposit.secondly i don,t want a sutiation
were by you will cheat me in this business that is why we have to enter an agreement .
befor this week ends i will sent you the document .please give me your banks account number and your telephone number both home and your office.
awaiting your reply
Kabongo Kabila.
Not only was Kabongo talking nonsense, he made us a bit nervous with his mention of the mysterious Mr. Jacks. Who is Mr. Jacks? We assume he is an African warlord, easily angered and not to be trifled with. The last thing we want is to be left holding "the document" when Mr. Jacks comes calling! So with a few more polite queries, Kabongo starts asking for the goods:
Mr Scott Patterson :
thaks for your mail, please i want both of us to establised a contarct by haveing your home address and your phone and fax number secondly i will like to have your bank particuler to me forward your name to the company as the benefiary i will sent you a document. i personaly i don,t have Mr Jack e mail but i will ask for it when i gate it
i will sent it to you immidiatly.

Kabongo Kabila
The spelling, grammar and syntax were really getting to me at this point. It's hard to continue to estarblish these contarcts with Kabongo and Mr. Jacks. Do you think Mr. Jacks even has a first name? I'm guessing he's a one-eyed goon with one of those canes that actually comes apart, revealing either a sword or a gun - best to maim, not to kill, as more money or information can be extorted over time and intense pain.

The fun continues:
Mr Scott Patterson

Thanks for your mail sent to me , i need your bank aticulers so that i will us it to preperd the setificat of deposit which i will sent to you.and all so the company as the beneficiary i gote the email of Mr Jacks is mtbalewa@presidency.com i think he is in position to give you any infomation you need and please i beg you with the name of God that what ever discaustion you make with Mr Jack please you let me know about it secondly this is the amount US$25,500,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Five hundred thousand United states of America. i hope you will be abel to stand it .
my regard to your family.
Kabongo Kabila.
Got that everybody? Mr. Jacks' email has been revealed. Send him a note if you dare, but I don't advise it. You may find yourself hunted by mercenaries from Congo, or at the least, get a flood of junkmail. In our last note to each other, Kabongo mentions that he will move the money via diplomatic cargo. That clears that up! Well, we had to decline the offer, and I haven't heard from Mr. Kabila since. I'm gonna miss the old guy. Kabongy, I like to call him. I think we had a thing going. If you're ever in Congo, drop him a note for me. And say hi to Mr. Jacks. He might let you come home with one of your hands!